


Ask Mr. Mutant

by Readbyanalise010, vassalady



Category: X-Men (Comicverse), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, F/F, F/M, Multi, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-11 23:17:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11724636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Readbyanalise010/pseuds/Readbyanalise010, https://archiveofourown.org/users/vassalady/pseuds/vassalady
Summary: "Hello! And welcome to Ask Mr. Mutant, where we answer people’s dumbass questions, so that you don’t have to! I’m your lovely host, Jubilee -"...And I’m Mr. Mutant."Jubilee and Mr. Mutant answer all of your mutant-related questions on their podcast.





	Ask Mr. Mutant

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to everyone who submitted questions for this podfic including Rose Creighton, TheMuseCalliope, Itsadrizzit, WhiteHaru37, miss_marina95, Kalakirya, and those who would like to remain anonymous.

Cover Art created by Vassalady

  
**Streaming:**

For mobile streaming: **[***Click here***](http://analise010.parakaproductions.com/Podfic/Ask%20Mr.%20Mutant.mp3)**

**Download** (right-click and save) the **[MP3](http://analise010.parakaproductions.com/Podfic/Ask%20Mr.%20Mutant.mp3)** || Size: 11 MB || Duration: 00:10:46 

or the **[M4B](http://analise010.parakaproductions.com/Podfic/Ask%20Mr.%20Mutant.m4b)** || Size: 10 MB || Duration: 00:10:46

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JUBILEE: Hello! And welcome to Ask Mr. Mutant, where we answer people’s dumbass questions, so that you don’t have to! I’m your lovely host, Jubilee - 

LOGAN: And I’m Mr. Mutant.

JUBILEE: Alllllllright! Let’s jump right in. Today’s first question is: “Dear Mr Mutant,  
_I have this thing for this guy, but every time I try to get frisky my great Wang doodle, can’t… Wang doodle. I've never had this problem before and I'm not sure what to do._  
Yours, The Little Engine That Couldn't”

Mr. Mutant?

LOGAN: I’ve never had this problem.

JUBILEE: [sighs] So use your imagination.

LOGAN: If your wang doodle can’t get the job done, I suggest you get creative. There are...options.

JUBILEE: What my co-host is trying to say is that your have other body parts! And if that doesn’t work, you can buy a wang doodle to do the job for you.

LOGAN: Can we please stop saying ‘wang doodle’?

JUBILEE: “Dear Mr Mutant,  
_No one I know can teleport but I have a massive crush on a girl who lives in a foreign country. Any advice on where to find teleporting friends? Or would that be exploitative? Can I learn to teleport. I promise I’m a good friend even if I’m using you for my teleportational abilities._  
Sincerely, Sadly on the wrong side of the ocean”

LOGAN: He has a crush on a girl and wants to teleport to see her?

JUBILEE: They didn’t specify a gender. 

LOGAN: Well, I have questions.

JUBILEE: Yeah, same. We live in the age of the internet, so if this girl lives across the ocean, you can always text, email, Snapchat, FaceTime. The list goes on.

LOGAN: Seriously. DO NOT post an ad on Craigslist, asking for someone to teleport you so you can stalk a stranger. Woo her over iMessage like the rest of us.

JUBILEE [appalled]: Wait. Who taught you how to use iMessage???

“Dear Mr Mutant,  
_So there are these people, like 5 people specifically who I really wanna get my poly on with.... how do I ask them to do the relationship tango with me without… you know… asking? Or getting drunk and asking (apparently they don't like that)._  
Yours, Redman”

JUBILEE: WOW.

LOGAN: First of all, having sex with people who are too drunk to consent is VERY. VERY. WRONG. I’m a guy who loves his beer, but that’s fucking criminal.

JUBILEE: Mr. Mutant is right. Getting people drunk before sex because you’re too afraid to ask them is fucked up. I asked a couple if they were willing to do poly and it worked out well for me. 

LOGAN: [nervously] Right, well…

JUBILEE: [moves away from the mic] Oh, so, we’re not talking about it?

LOGAN: Jubilee…

JUBILEE: Look, your girl is hot, okay? 

LOGAN: Jubilee - 

JUBILEE: And she had a thing for you first. Everybody knew about it. What we have is the best of both worlds. 

LOGAN: JUBILATION LEE. This is not about us. This is about Redman. 

JUBILEE: [huffs] Redman, talk to your friends. Maybe they’ll say no to poly, but maybe they’ll say that they’ve also been interested in you and that their boyfriend is cool with sharing.

[sounds of glass breaking]

JUBILEE: Question 3...

“Dear Mr Mutant,  
_I have no special abilities and have always been envious of mutant kids. It’s like they got invited to a super cool club and I didn’t. I know not everybody’s mutation is great and that society isn’t particularly mutant loving so they don’t have the easiest time but that doesn’t stop me from wishing I was a mutant too. I don’t know what I’m actually asking, but I just had to tell somebody._  
Thanks, Green with Envy”

Mr. Mutant?

LOGAN: You don’t love mutants. You love the romanticized versions of us that you see in the media. You might think it’s cool to control metal or walk through walls or even read minds, but some of us can’t open our eyes or touch skin to skin without killing someone. Even the “cool” powers can be a burden. Knowing everyone’s secrets because you can’t turn off your telepathy or not being able to die because of your healing ability… it’s not as fun as it looks.

JUBILEE: [pauses] And that’s all we need to say about that.

“Dear Mr Mutant,  
_How do you deal with politics?_  
Yours, Frustrated citizen”

LOGAN: I stick my claws in the ones I don’t like.

JUBILEE: “Dear Mr Mutant,  
_I keep accidentally shape changing so that I don’t match my make up. Any news on mutant-friendly cosmetics that could keep up with my uncontrolled abilities?_  
Yours, Occasionally Scaly” 

LOGAN: _Lipstick Queen_ has a color-changing lipstick, but I don’t know about anything else.

JUBILEE: Since when do you know about makeup?

LOGAN: You have no idea how many field trips I’ve taken to Sephora.

JUBILEE: Well, you did have a gig as an art teacher -

LOGAN [interrupts]: Next question...

JUBILEE: “Dear Mr. Mutant,  
_Should I eat this pizza I dropped on the floor?_  
Yours, Power to the Purple”  


LOGAN & JUBILEE [simultaneously]: 5 second rule. 

JUBILEE: “Dear Mister Mutant,  
_I've recently found myself kinda at odds with ~~my crush best friend~~ pal. It's a sticky situation and neither of us handled it well, then we both made it worse by involving all of our mutual friends. It was dicey, and then (unrelatedly) my ex came to town and I had to leave suddenly. I was going to swing by his place to apologize and explain, but I saw him crying on the back stoop and I think he was holding a picture of me and I didn’t know what to do so I didn’t say anything and just left. What should I do?”_  
\- Seriously Rattled

JUBILEE: Huh, does this sound… kinda familiar?

LOGAN: I was going through the inbox and this message arrived within 60 seconds of the next one.

JUBILEE: “Dear Mr. Mutant,  
_I’m sure you get questions like this all the time, and I wouldn’t even bother writing, but ~~boss my ex-secretary~~ it was suggested to me that you might be able to help. The deal is that I have this friend and we got into a bit of an argument over a matter of government policy and things got a little out of hand and one thing led to another and some other friends got involved and it escalated a bit and now no one is talking to me and he’s disappeared and no one will tell me where he’s gone and I miss him so much and for all I know he’s dead and I can’t believe I’m pouring out my heart to an advice column but I probably need all the help I can get.”_  
\- Totally Sunk

Have you ever thought about just sitting down with each other... and making out??

LOGAN: I think Jubilee means communicate. Especially if your friends are involved.

JUBILEE: Did I say communicate? Hell no. You like him and he likes you, or neither of you would be writing in to fucking strangers about it. Make out. Eat dinner. And if one thing leads to another, then… give us an update. It worked for me. And lastly...

“Dear Mr. Mutant,  
_My partner and I have been together for almost a year now and it’s amazing. I came into my powers about 3 months ago though, and I don’t know how to tell them about it. I tried to just ignore my powers at first but I feel like it’s my responsibility to at least try and make a difference, y’know? I’ve been sneaking around a lot and my partner has definitely noticed that I’m always dashing off or getting hurt with no explanation. I hate lying to them, but I’m scared of their reaction if I tell them about my powers, and their safety if I continue to use my powers with them in the know. Should I just end our relationship to try and keep them safe, or take a chance and come clean? Should I try and quit fighting crime altogether?”_  
-Tangled in Lies  


JUBILEE: So, Tangled in Lies, it sounds like… you’re an undercover superhero???

LOGAN: If my baby said she wanted me to stop fighting crime, I’d have to break up with her. No exceptions.

JUBILEE: Well, for me, it’s a little less cut and dry. If my partner had a problem with me being a mutant? Fuck that. But if I’m fighting crime like a vigilante idiot, then they have a right to be afraid for my life.

LOGAN [scoffs]: Oh, so that’s the game we’re playing now.

JUBILEE: I don’t know what you mean.

LOGAN [away from the mic]: First you want to discuss my sex life on air and now you want to diss me for the work I do?

JUBILEE [away from the mic]: I wasn’t - 

LOGAN [away from the mic]: Of course you were. You always do. Just because I don’t fall in line like some fucking sheep, I’m being reckless. Have you ever stopped to consider that I’m saving lives out here because I literally can’t die. You think it’s easy getting shot over and over again?

JUBILEE [away from the mic]: I don’t -

ROGUE: What have I told y’all about fighting on air?

JUBILEE: Not when you’re around to hear it?

LOGAN: She’s insufferable.

ROGUE: And you aren’t? [sound of heels clacking]

JUBILEE: It looks like we’ve been joined in the studio by one of our producers, [CENSORED beep]. This person has written in because they want to come out as a mutant and a superhero. Any advice?

ROGUE: Did you say communication, honey?

LOGAN: I did.

ROGUE: In that case, you gotta learn to accept people the way the are. Be they vigilante superheroes, unkillable monsters, or polyamorous vampires. If you love them, let them be themselves, without restriction. If they love you, then they’ll stick around and act like they have some fucking sense.

JUBILEE [offended]: Was that about me?

LOGAN: It definitely wasn’t about me.

ROGUE: Well, that is all we have time for today. Join us next week for another episode of Ask Mr. Mutant. Until then, be honest, communicate, and, you two? We’re having a word. NOW.”


End file.
